Palace begins interring upper class virgins, London, UK
Buckingham Palace today announced plans to inter upper class virgins as part of a programme to ensure prince's William and Harry are able to choose from a reasonable stable of virgin brides. Palace spokesperson Lionel Barr-Smith told reporters that senior royals have become concerned that virginity was increasingly seen as disposable by current British debutantes. 'Virginity is no longer a prized asset for today's young ladies and as such the palace feels steps are necessary. The preservation of virginity is no longer a matter for the individual, the state must take some responsibilty.' Public reaction to the decision has been positive with many applauding the palace's decision to take pre-emptive measures against future tabloid stories written by former lovers of a future Queen. Royal Commentator Howard Smith told Dialysis, 'the voracious public appetite for upper class smut has forced the palace's hand in this matter, I've spoken to a number of people in the household and they've told me that this was not a decision that the queen took lightly, removing over 60 beautiful young upper class girls from the social scene could have a profound economic impact across London in areas as diverse as luxury pashminas, top champagne and Celebrity magazines, but the most improtant decisions are often the most difficult and I personally feel that the queen has made the right choice, by preserving the chastity of a few we will go some way to resurrecting the inviolable nature fo the Windsor name.' The girls will be housed in dorms at a number of royal residences throughout the country and their time will largely be spent preparing themselves for future roles whether within the Royal family or outside, leading charities have already been offered the opportunity to interview the girls for future patronage opportunities.
Man. Utd announce to increase match day corporate hospitality capacity to 65,000, Manchester, UK
Peter Kenyon, CEO of Manchester United today announced 'exciting new plans' to increase Old Trafford's match day corporate hospitality capacity to 65,000. Speaking to reporter's Kenyon declared that this 'exciting new offering puts Manchester United at the forefront of corporate entertaining and offers much needed support for those fans too busy earning money to be able to follow the team as loyally as the average man on the street in London and the South East'. The new plan will see all outdoor seating removed from the ground to be replaced by 1300 executive boxes, equipped with individual bars, balconies for viewing goal celebrations and the latest quality snack facilities.

Senior Al-Qaeda figures concerned by junior operatives lack of interest in day-to-day realities of running a terrorist network, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
Speaking to Al-Jazeera journalist, Kareem Fahem yesterday a senior Al-Qaeda official expressed concern that after the enormous symbolic impact of attacks in the US and Indonesia, junior members of the terrorist organisation are no longer interested in the 'nitty-gritty' of international terrorism. Sami Al-Hussein, widely seen as having moved up to Osama Bin Laden's No.4 after recent US captures, spoke passionately of the need to bring the 'insane, oblivious passion of the September 11th hijackers' to all aspects of Al-Qaeda, 'we must be as single-minded and immune to reason and compassion as our organisation's great martyrs whether arranging drug deals with the Russian mafia or purchasing arms from decadent Western industrialists. Sometimes I feel that our younger members are only interested in blowing themselves up in Allah's name, rather than in getting the best possible price on a consignment of surface to air missiles.'
Red Cross to rethink logic of painting large red crosses on roofs of buildings in war zones, Geneva, Sw
The International Red Cross revealed that it is rethinking the practice of painting large crosses on the top of buildings it is using after the loss of several volunteers and eight tonnes of food aid in accidental bombings by US forces during the past two years. Bernard Toufre for the Red Cross claimed that, 'in retrospective it seems foolish to mark out our buildings in much the same manner as all flight simulators used by the US air force mark targets.' The practice is to be discontinued with immediate effect, Red Cross buildings will replace the crosses with concentric circles in red and white.

MCC desperately trying to generate some suggestion of match-fixing after latest England ashes defeat, London, UK
Representatives of the MCC have complained bitterly about the absence of any match-fixing scandals during the current ashes series between England and Australia. Kingsley Jordan for the MCC told The News of the World, 'England's levels of performance over the past three tests have been so poor that questions must be asked not about coaching and player selection but rather about the possibility of betting syndicate involvement on a massive scale.' Upon being quizzed as to why no allusions to match-fixing have surfaced during the tour to date, Jordan declared that the perpetrators of the scandal have positions at the highest levels of the media and the game of cricket before refusing to answer further questions.
 
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