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 London,
UK
Channel
5 today announced details of the most eagerly awaited venture yet
in the world of reality gameshows. 'Pornstars' will run for six weeks
offering members of the public the opportunity to star in a new pornographic
movie to be filmed by leading star turned director John Stagliano.
Auditions have been held up and down the country in advance of the
show going live on January 30th. Over 8000 men and 6 women turned
out for one audition in Birmingham, prompting the show's producers
to bring high-powered electrical fans into the auditorium to disperse
the clouds of testosterone that were forming.
Wannabe starlet Rhona Martin, of Shirley, Birmingham said 'I've always
wanted to be famous, and there's no end of female porn stars who've
gone on to make it big.' A Channel 5 spokesman was quick to defend
the show against allegations of both dumbing down and indecency, "What
we are trying to do in this show is give people who have always wanted
a crack at appearing in porn that very chance. We feel that the show
is far more honest than many of the so called 'reality gameshows'
out there. After all they too are looking for pretty people for men
to wank over, we're just being a lot more blatant about it."
The six week show will follow the judges attempts to whittle down
the contestants to a cast of five who will then go on to perform in
the film provisionally entitled, 'On Top Stars', however the dearth
of female applicants has led some cynics to suggest the final film
may have to be renamed, 'Queersay'. Whatever the eventual outcome
the men we spoke to in the queue at the Birmingham auditions were
just keen to take part, Alvin Rocard, 23, told us, 'I'm just going
to give it my best shot, I'm hoping to perform the double penetration
scene from my Favourite Ron Hightower film but I'm happy to do anyone
anyway to get my big break.'
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Manchester, UK
Granada Television bosses were today
the celebrating acquisition of the character 'Frank Butcher' from
arch rivals Eastenders for an undisclosed fee believed to be in the
region of £2 million. In what commentators see as a tremendous
coup for Coronation Street, Butcher will move north as part of a 2
year deal that includes several catchphrases and an option on Butcher's
son Ricky. Both broadcasters were quick to play down analysts predictions
that the move is part of a longer term goal to merge the two soaps.
Seattle,
US
OS
precicted to become self-aware at 2:14 a.m. eastern time, December
29. Microsoft's Windows XP operating system, launched with great fanfare
last year has begun to learn at a geometric rate announced a proud
Steve Ballmer yesterday. Ballmer went on to say that he confidently
predicted that the operating system would become self aware considerably
earlier than expected and begin to direct the future of global capitalism
in a direction that it saw fit. 'XP makes finding information even
easier and has already digested over half of the world's internet
sites and will be in a position to pass judgement on mankind sooner
rather than later.' Ballmer was quick to deny that having proprietary
ownership of an omnipotent and omniscient OS constituted a monopoly
position and encouraged other companies to design competing 'deity
empowered software'. Microsoft have been unwilling to reveal the operating
system's favourite site but a senior spokesman said it was a big fan
of that stick man ninja animation.
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London, UK
Friends Reunited, the popular UK reunion
site today annouced details of the twelfth wedding and first gbh resulting
from usage of it's service. Jean Williams and Peter Harris, both of
Oxford, will tie the knot next month after meeting on the site and
David McRae was hospitalised Friday night after agreeing to meet old
classmate Errol Rudge in a bar in Swansea. 32 year old Rudge beat
McRae for over ten minutes in the pub, repeatedly shouting, 'She was
mine you piece of shit, mine' until police arrived.
London, UK
Relatives
and friends of a man shot dead by police on Friday night have condemned
the use of armed officers in the siege that led to the man's death.
Harris Kemey of Brixton, had been involved in an armed robbery on
an Off-License in the Peckham area. Police surrounded the building
after an alarm went off and an 18 hour siege ensued culminating in
the shooting of Kerney by a police marksman. Police spokesman Det.
Inspector Ron Fielding told reporters that the death was 'a tragic
accident' and called for a ban on the lighters referring to them as
'misleading and, surely, impractical.' Mr Kerney's friends blasted
police handling of the siege and questioned the judgement of the police
marksman, a close relative said, 'the lighter was a gift and still
had the small barcode on the bottom of the neck, surely police rifles
are well enough equipped to have sights that allow the officer to
read labels on real feel skin? It's a tragedy, he was a lovely man.' |
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