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 London,
UK
A delegation of leading Italian-American businessmen today presented
a petition to the Prime Minister requesting that Britain's drug
laws
remain in their current state despite pressure from police and public
opinion. Mauro Tassetti, spokesperson for the un-named group told
our reporter. Mr Blair was very receptive to our argument and recognised
the vital role of Italian-American business people in the UK economy,
he also told us he was very aware that our arguments weren't just
the rantings of a partisan pressure group but reflected beliefs
held
by members of his own party, the opposition and many middle-class
people in the UK. The drug laws in this country must be maintained
to protect people from the dangers of non-addictive, non-life threatening
soft drugs and ensure that minimal supplies of unregulated, highly
dangerous hard drugs are the only outlet available to those who insist
on breaking these laws. The idea that any form of legalisation of
drugs would in anyway address the problem associated with their use,
by providing valuable tax revenue to invest in treatment, ensuring
clean supplies for addicts and preventing the trade from consuming
hundreds of lives on both the sales and consumer side is patently
ludicrous and it is vital that the opinions of a generation largely
oblivious to the realities of the drug trade remain the opinions
on
which policy is formulated and enacted.' |
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London,
UK
The Metropolitan police have issued a request for witnesses of a road
accident in the Turnpike Lane area of northeast London to come forward
following the revelation that the only current witness is Arsenal
manager Arsene Wenger. Dept. Superintendent Harold Bean expressed
his gratitude to Mr Wenger for coming forward but told reporters,
'Mr Wenger's testimony is sketchy at best although we are grateful
to him for calling us.' It appears the Arsenal boss was less than
fifty yards from the incident in which three cars and a petrol tanker
were involved and two people died. Despite the enormous explosion
that resulted Mr Wenger could only confirm that there were cars on
the road at the time and his vision of the pile-up was obscured by
a passing street cleaner.
London, UK
A second member of popular boy band 2gether has been found brutally
murdered in his London flat. Lee Casey's death was an identikit
killing to that of bandmate Paul Nolan two weeks ago said Superintendent
Harold Delaney at a press conference earlier today, 'We are not willing
to go into details about the murder of Mr Casey, but let me assure
the general public that we are hunting a vicious, sadistic, hero,
I mean criminal.' Sources inside the metropolitan police have revealed
that both murdered men had their tongues cut out, and blood was found
in their eardrums. Unconfirmed reports suggest that a copy of The
Smith's seminal album 'Meat is Murder' have been found at both crime
scenes. Forensic Psychologist Dr Marion Tweed, who has dealt with
a number of serial killers suggest that the boy-band killer may be
driven by a desire to purge the music scene of manufactured teen-oriented
pop, much in the way that other killers have demonised homosexuals
and prostitutes. 'This is all very well initially,' says Tweed, 'but
the killer is imposing his definition of manufactured pop, and as
he becomes more confident we may start to see the lines between talentless
pretty people and genuine artists blur in the killers mind. Whose
to say Linkin Park might not be looking over their shoulder soon.'
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Basra, Iraq
Officials of the CIA fear missing
Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein may have removed his moustache in a
bid
to go undetected after fleeing Iraq. CIA spokesperson Myra Stewart
told a press conference it was 'entirely possible' Saddam has taken
this radical step to foil US efforts to apprehend him, citing
the measures taken by Hitler, still at large and fundamentally unidentifiable
according to most secret service agencies. Covert Intelliegence expert
and ex-MI5 boss Charlton Curbishley told Dialysis, 'the ditictive
moustache or beard is a classic trait of the evil dictator /
master terrorist by associating their entire identity with a hirsute
appearance their image becomes synonymous with that type of facial
hair, an image reinforced by impressionists, cartoonists and the
man in the pub. The removal of that facial hair then renders the
villain virtually unidentifiable. In addition for the dictators,
the very fact that they are out of uniform can confuse all but the
most seasoned professional spotters.' Many experts fear that the
cut-backs in US secret service expenditure have also led to a deterioration in
the qaulity of personnel dealing with security in the arab world,
with one insider telling dialysis, 'to be honest the people there
are so poor that if he has shaved his 'tache of they'll never find
him, most of the septics in the Middle_Eastern department think all
arabs look the same as it is.'
Camp David, US
Rumours of confidential e-mails sent by US President George Bush
have been released on the internet in which Bush allegedly suggests
to a close circle of friends that they shouldn't plan any holidays
in the Middle East anytime in the near future. The mail states, 'even
wealth friendly places like Dubai are better off avoided, and I can't
stress strongly enough the importance of steering clear of Syria.
The mail was apparently inadvertently forwarded by a friend of Bush
to the teenage son of a family friend, and hence made it's way around
the world with breathtaking speed. Web guru Seymour Greevy told Dialysis,
'This is a major faux pas for
the Bush presidency, aside from the diplomatic embarassment, the
fact that the original recipients are all on the forward reveals
that the President has no idea how to use the BCC function. Syrian
President Bashar al-Assad yesterday played down the significance
of the mail and was keen to stress that Syria is an appealing holiday
destination with warm and welcoming people, miles of golden beaches
and delicious indigenous cuisine. |
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