Washington,
US
The Bush administration yesterday
issued a challenge to the western powers to bring Nelson Mandela to
justice. 'For too long this criminal has enjoyed the protection of
countries who should know better,' declared US Secretary of Defense
Donald Rumsfeld, 'Mandela is a criminal,
let us not shy away from that fact, over twenty years in gaol cannot
lie.' This man has been responsible for the overthrow of an elected
government, actions that have led to a destabilised and democratically
free country which may well be in possession of the means to manufacture
or purchase weapons of mass destruction. The US government refuses
to be cowed by cowardly liberals and will defend it's right to trade
freely across the globe regardless of the ill-conceived ideas of renegade
statesmen like Mandela on topics as disparate as toxic waste production
and affordable drugs for the poor. But I would point out in the strongest
possible terms that our call for the justice against Mandela and his
ilk is in no way a war on blacks. Many of my best friends are black
and many leading figures in our own great country are black, Condoleeza
Rice for example, and Colin Powell used to be.' Mr Rumsfeld was ushered
from the stage by aides at this point.
|
Heaven
In an unprecedented move and blaming the moral bankruptcy of the kingdom
of earth, God the King of Kings has abdicated from his throne of thrones.
A race is now on to see which of the heavenly host will succeed the
deity with Son of God, Jesus as hot favourite to become the new father.
A spokesman for bookmaker William Hill, who refused to be named, expressed
delight that punters will finally have a chance to vote on the outcome
of a divine reorganisation but also showed concern about the difficulty
of calling a contest with no precedents. 'Obviously from a royalist
viewpoint the son should succeed the father, but the added complications
of the trinity don't even make that succession assured, and punters
could be confused bvy the innate indivisibility of the trinity. In
addition it's impossble to rule out some form of hostile takeover
by the major deity of a competing religion. One thing's for sure,
Heaven's never been more interesting.'
London,
UK
Producers of the new BBC show St. Harry's,
set in the Croydon comprehensive school of the same name, have lost
an appeal to the Broadcasting Standards Commission for the programme
to be shown in a prime-time 8pm slot. Director Jerzy Coen said, 'It's
a great shame that a compelling show like this one, which lifts the
lid on what it's like to be a child in today's education system will
now be forced to go out to a minority audience.' The Commission was
not for turning however stating in it's report that the show contained
'numerous references to drugs, images of drug taking, a 'litany' of
expletives, some previously unknown to the commission, and a number
of graphic sexual scenes.' 'As such' a spokesman for the BSC told
dialysis, 'it is our view that no episode of 'St. Harry's' is suitable
for viewing by children.'
|
London, UK
The marketing department of Unilever UK
today began the company's biannual drive to establish the Lipton-ice
Tea brand in the UK. The drive has previously failed abjectly in
2001, 1999, 1997 and executives in the UK have little confidence
that it will succeed this year. Natalie Harris, brand manager of
the product told Campaign Magazine, 'Lipton Ice Tea is less popular
in the UK than Rola Cola but the pig-headed stupidity of corporate
marketing demands that a successful soft-drink brand in the US can
be made to work everywhere-else in the world. To be honest we've
made fuck-all effort with this campaign, the TV ads are breathtakingly
poor, to the point of actually having a negative effect on a brand
with almost zero sales.' Asked if she felt failure to establish
Lipton Ice as a UK brand would affect her career, Harris replied,
'What career? This product is the kiss of death for any marketeer.
If God himself told the Pope to switch Iced Tea for wine in the
communion we couldn't shift this piss in Britain.', Arkansas,
US
Worried parents in the mid-west of the US are sending their children
back to school kitted out in full kevlar uniforms thanks to forward
thinking from the supermarket chain Wal-Mart. The uniforms, which
retail at eight times the average uniform price have proved a smash
hit with parents concerned at the rising tide of school based shootings
in the US. Jerzy Schmidt, manager of the Little Rock outlet of the
retail giant said, 'The uniforms have been flying out of the stores
and we've been getting some outstanding customer feedback. Parents
are willing to pay extra to ensure their children are only heavily
bruised should shootings occur, unless they suffer a headshot, which
is unlikely given the lack of experience of the bulk of these marksmen.'
And protection against angst ridden teen gunmen isn't the only benefit
of the kevlar uniforms according to Little Rock mom Kim Crowe, 'My
Ellen has had a much easier time with bullying since she's been
wearing the uniform. The bulkiness of the jacket is great for covering
up her puppy fat and it's almost impossible for the other girls
to be able to tell whether she's put any weight on over the summer
vacation. She has though, it's glandular we think.'
|
