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New Jersey,
US
Hailed by industry insiders as
the greatest innovation since the four blade razor, Gillete Co.
have
officially launched their new twelve-bladed limited edition Christmas
razor. The razor is billed as giving the closest shave
possible, the twelve bladed swivelling head removing hair
from under the first two layers of skin.
However the launch of the new razor has been immediately lost
in the controversy of a US court case brought by 15 male plaintiffs
who claim that they have become psychologically damaged and spent
thousands of dollars chasing the ever closer shaving experience
promised by the company in it's ubiquitous advertising. Speaking
to the New York Times, lawyer for the fifteen Barry Spikowitz,
said, 'My clients have been locked into a persistent cycle of heightened
optimism and reverberating disappointment by the tone and message
of the Gilette ads. Despite persistently and immediately upgrading
every time a new moisturising strip or additional blade was added
to Gilette's products none of them feel that they have achieved
the 'best a man can get' and they are concerned by the frequency
with which new technolgical developments 'revolutionise' shaving,
indeed one them has pointed out to me that technical evolution
seems to happen more rapidly in shaving than in computing.' Spikowitz
is widely knwon as the scourge of the shaving industry after securing
a record $6 million pay out from Wilkinson Sword after a fourteen
year old Nebraskan boy slit his throat and bled to death after
trying to emulate the smooth sweep of a male model shaivng in one
of the companies commercial.
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Heaven
Yahweh, maker of heaven and earth,
the beginning and the end, and the landlord of Israel has
given long term tenant
Israel three weeks notice to quit the country it has occupied
off and on since the time of Moses. Speaking through a burning
bush and interpreter Metatron the Lord Almighty made a statment
to the Israeli parliament the Knesset declaring, 'I, the
God of Isaac and Abraham, hereby reassert my claim of ownership
on the land stretching from Lebanon and Syria in the North,
to Jordan in the East and Egypt in the South.' the Metatron
continued, 'The periodic tenancy agreement signed between
myself and Moses precluded tenants from taking my naem in
vain amongst ten other principle conditions. I feel that
I have been more than generous in respecting the difficulties
involved in living in a neighbourhood as colourful as the
middle east but cannot continue to defend the tenancy in
the face of heartfelt petitioning from tenants lving in my
other properties in the area, albeit that they live under
different, more stringent tenancy agreements. I therefore
have no choice but to ask that all residents of the Holy
Land vacate the premises by the end of March 2004.' The Lord
concluded, 'you have the right to appeal this decision but
i would request that all appeals be submitted before
December 24th as it's my son's birthdya the next day.'
Oxford, UK
Compilers at the Oxford English Dictionary have used a revolutionary new method
to condense the size of the latest version of the publication to a genuine pocket
size, by using pictures to illustrate the bulk of the words in use, cumbersome
explanations have been largely superceded and the 290,000 words in the common
language have been condensed into just 290 definitions. Professor Albert Coggins
who heads the compilation team told reporters at the launch of the new publication,
'the new multi-media world in which we live is seeing language evolving at a
frightening rate, with texting and the use of emoticons replacing the anachronistic
'Queen's English.' The team have therefore taken the decision that definitions
can and should be replaced by the use of imagery to reflect and reinforce the
identity of English English speaker.' Examples of how pictures have been used
to replace verbose explanations include the use of an image of Natalie Portman
for the wide-grouping of words connected with beauty and a mugshot of Gary Bushell
for synonyms of pudenda.
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London,
UK
Having been stung by criticism
of their 'partisan and borderline racist' reporting of the
asylum and immigration issue
Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre has dispatched his fifty-strong
reporting team to interview asylum seekers over the course
of the next month to enable the paper to produce a balanced
and impartial account of this vital issue for the edififcation
of the British people, whatever ethnic background they come
from. Forty of the staff wil be stationed around the various
legal points of entry to the UK taking details of the reasons
for claiming refugee status and feeding them out to international
correspondents for background checks. The other ten reporters
will be patrolling security fences by the channel tunnel and
checking the undersides of lorries whilst playing a variety
of announcements in East Asian and Eastern European languages offering
cash incentives for stowaways to come forward for questioning
by the authorities.
Washington,
US
Controversial US plans to seal
the bulk of the middle east below a three foot layer of concrete
have been released on the internet by an un-named source. The
plan, codenamed 'Operation Patio' would be rolled out as part
of the rebuilding operation in Iraq and Afghanistan with leading
US firms including Halliburton already tendering for contracts.
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