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' Washington,
US
Amidst mounting international opposition
to a US led war with Iraq President Bush addressed the American people
Tuesday and produced a series of 'incontrovertible' documents demonstrating
'beyond a shadow of a doubt' that the rogue state is in posession
of weapons of mass destruction. Included in the 2300 page doucmnet
were receipts from, amongst others Lockheed Martin, Sturm and the
Pentagon itself. Bush delivered a series of withering put downs to
critics who have claimed that the US case against Sadaam Hussein is
at the very best, a flimsy excuse designed to secure US oil supplies
and provide a filip to the military industrial complex. 'Let no-one
be in any doubt', declared the President, 'that these receipts, many
signed by Sadaam himself, prove that Iraq possesses weaponry of a
calibre only otherwise seen in the minds of our finest designers and
builders of weapons of mass destruction. This receipt alone, for the
sale of 15 Polaris warheads by Pentagon officials in 2001, should
strike fear into the heart of every western civilian who was unsure
whether madmen threatened world democracy. Even more recently, technicians
from Lockheed Martin, working with independent US military consultants,
have been in Baghdad heeding the terms of a service level agreement
that has been in place for five years. We therefore contend that we
in the US know that Iraq has this weaponry, and the failure of the
UN weapons inspectors to track it down should not stand in the way
of the need to curb this illegally elected lunatic and remove him
from power.' A spokesperson for the Iraqi government would only comment
that they had nothing to add to the Presidents statement.
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London, UK
UK Style have launched their Spring season
around new show, 'Beyond DIY', the programme, made by channel favourites
Bazal has been hailed as 'groundbreaking' by designers and handymen
alike for allowing the public to see even deeper into the world of
DIY. Bazal spokesperson Carrie Bowen told dialysis, 'milk comes from
the cow, not the shops, in the same way viewers of Beyond DIY will
be able to see how they can manufacture their own, paints, waxes,
varnishes and every kind of DIY aid in their own home using only volatile
chemicals and an industrial centrifuge.' The programme airs on UK
Style from March 5th.
Atlanta,
US
In response to growing public concern about
future airborne terrorist attacks the boards of United and American
Airlines have issued a joint statement today announcing their intention
to make all people with apparent arab ethnicity fly naked. The move,
which officials say is 'necessary' and 'in the interests of all passengers
safety' is the result of extensive focus group work between the companies
and passengers on internal flights mainly in the Deep South and Mid-West
of the US. The measures, which will come into effect from April, will
provide an additional curtained area on all planes for those affected.
Countering claims raging from 'overt racism' to breach of the declaration
of human rights, the airlines report a 50% approval rating among those
epotentially affected by the move although critics point to the fact
that stewardesses in the curtained areas will also be obliged to remove
their garments for the duration of the flight.
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Los
Angeles, US
The LAPD today revealed the exact
recipe for the 'dangerous cocktail of drink and drugs' responsible
for tens of celebrity deaths over the past thirty years. The cocktail,
most recently implicated in the death of Drowning Pool lead singer
X, has claimed over forty lives amongst the sporting, music, tv and
film celebrity circles in California. Police have taken the step to
prevent more innocent celebrities falling prey to this 'fatal concoction'.
LAPD Chief Harvey Blaine declared today, 'this cocktail comes with
the severest of health warnings, we would advise all celebrities,
of whatever grade to take a careful note of the ingredients and steer
well clear of anyone offering to mix them.' parent groups have chided
the LAPD for releasing details of the liquid/powder combination claiming
that impressionable youngsters may seek to curry favour with their
peer groups my seeking out the various legal and illegal ingredients
mixing them together and subsequently choking on their own vomit but
the LAPD was unwilling to answer questions as to the ethics of the
announcement.
Virginia,
US
Agents working out of Quantico believe they have uncovered a terrorist
plot to recruit willing operatives from within the US postal service.
Special Agent Marcus Krantz told a press conference yesterday that
the US postal service was, 'a virtual breeding ground for loners,
dissenters and tooled up maniacs' citing the acceptance of the term
'to go postal' into the US lexicon Krantz called for extensive testing
of all postal workers for sociopathic tendencies and the immediate
firing of all those found to exceed acceptable US levels. A spokesperson
for the postal service was quick to play down the FBIs comments claiming
that the US postal service had a proud history of loyalty to the country
and very few of the many thousands of workers were liable to cut loose
and mow down their fellow workers or key civilian targets any time
in the near future.
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Bush
produces, receipts, guarantees and proofs of purchase from US
arms manufacturers, 'Categorically proving Iraq is in possession
of weapons of mass destruction.
