US teen still debating wisdom of wearing 'Fuck Allah' T-shirt, Iowa, US
15 year old Gerry Louth (circled) was yesterday still undecided about the wisdom of wearing the 'Fuck Allah' T-shirt he has now owned for three months. 'I bought the shirt at the mall back in October, the guy in 'Parental Guidance Advised' (a popular youth store in the Merle Hays Mall, Des Moines) keeps some under the counter stuff for the kids who want to try something a bit different to Marilyn or Eminem. I saw the T and Kenny told me to get it, he's got the Cradle of Filth T-shirt with some bad shit about Jesus on it, he said it'd be really cool if we were both to wear them out or to school and shit but all this talk about terrorism and that stuff in England, kinda scares me' Louth went on to meditate on the vagaries of religious blasphemy saying, 'I mean, pissing off Christians is fine, cos they like, have to forgive you and stuff but Muslims could Mo' Fo' kill you dude, even here in Iowa. Nowhere's safe.' Kenny (Spitz), Louth's best friend privately shared his friend's reservations but when quizzed on the matter by Louth, told his friend to 'wear the goddamn shirt pussy.'
God calls for relaxation of Sunday shopping laws, Heaven
Speaking from his throne on high yesterday God encouraged the Labour government to take measures to ensure that the 'outdated' legislation regarding Sunday shopping was banished from the statute book.God mentioned that he was controversially lending his weight to the non-religious side in the debate because he himself was stuggling to find the time to keep up with his demands as omnipotent deity and single father. 'Look at things from my point of view,' thundered Jahweh, 'not only do I have to get Christmas presents for the boy, but it's also his birthday as well. My life is busy enough and I can't be everywhere at once, despite what you might have read.' The Judeo-Christian deity went on, 'Some of you down might be thinking, 'it's alright for him, I've got three kids to by for,' but bear this in mind, I've been getting stuff for the lad for over 2000 years now, and even with the wonderful shopping opportunities online he's still a bugger to buy for, I mean what do you get for the son of God who has everything? And don't get me started on the Holy Spirit, none of the glossies advise on gift ideas for ethereal entities. Thank goodness it's only the three of us, I don't think I could keep it together if we were a four piece.'
God's plaintive cry appears to have fallen on deaf ears though, a spokesperson for the PM stressed that all sides of the debate need to be taken into account and that Tony Blair was unwilling to be held answerable to the desires of any one individual or trinity.

Venetian Olympic bid 'fundamentally flawed say IOC, Geneva, Switz.
IOC officials have hit back at claims by organisers of the Venice Olympic bid that they are being unfairly treated in comparison to London, Johannesburg and Beijing. Helmut Geiger told reporters, 'The fact is that after numerous fact-finding missions to the city, the twenty man IOC team have established that Venice lacks the necessary space to create an infrastructure suitable to host an Olympics, the team can confirm, however that Venice is a wonderful city with some excellent restaurants, and much else to recommend it. And certainly a bid for the rowing and sailing events as part of a combined bid may be considered.'



Running sideways, backwards to feature in next Olympics, Athens, Greece
The International Olympic committee have taken steps to bring equality to the medal tables by including running backwards and sideways in the schedule for the next games. Responding to criticism from several nations about the inclusion of back-stroke, butterfly and breast-stroke along with the significantly faster front-crawl as medal worthy events. IOC spokesperson Nikos Kervakis admitted that the number of pool based events should perhaps be reduced to those which favour swimmers achieving a set distance regardless of technique in the fastest possible time, but that the inclusive beliefs of the IOC favour the introduction of a variety of types of running to counter the perceived inequalities. Kervakis added that underwater pole vaulting and high jumping into the deep end were being looked at for 2012.

NRA concede that people with guns kill, Virginia, US
In a breakthrough statement NRA offical Chuck Weiss was forced to concede in a live TV debate that people with guns kill, thus refuting forty years of received NRA wisdom that 'People kill, guns don't'. Under pressure from an audience of 80,000 who had lost family members in gun related crime, Weiss broke down and wept, 'It's true, its true it is considerably easier to pull a trigger on a handgun and blow someone's head off than it would be to achieve death through purely physical means.' Weiss then stood down from the podium for several minutes whilst regaining his composure before returning to tell the assembled crowd that it was still vital for gun control law to be kept at a minimum in case the invading armies of George III ever threatened the 13 sovereign states of the USA as provided for in the 1789 second amendment of the constitution of the good old US of A,' before sitting down to rapturous applause.
 
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