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Virginia,
US
NRA officials have spoken out for the first time in an attempt to
address increasing parental fears about the problem of guns in schools.
'The incidents at Columbine and other schools in this great nation
of ours have shocked NRA members to their very core, challenging many
of the deepest held beliefs of our organisation,' an NRA spokesman
told reporters on Wednesday, 'after exhaustive internal debate within
the leadership over the past few months we have decided to break with
our traditional stance over weapons ownership and advocate that each
and every one of our great nation's Junior and Senior High schoolers
is armed from the moment they start attending JHS. Only in this way
will we be able to ensure that we live in a nation where a rogue maniac
wielding a gun, of whatever age group, can be effectively taken out
by one of the vast majority of peaceful, stable law abiding gun owners,
with a single, accurate kill shot.' 'We need to take our lead from
the heroic children of Palestine, Somalia and so many other countries
where child on child gun crime is mostly kept out of the schools and
in the streets where it belongs.' |
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Atlanta, US
UN weapons inspector Hans Blix has backed calls by Ted Turner for
more time to fully investigate the situation in Iraq before US and
UK troops move in. Speaking at the publication of an interim report
into his findings, Blix expressed concern that President Bush may
order a pre-emptive strike against Iraq before either the UN team
had had chance to fully search all known Iraqi military installations
for WMD or the six-part CNN series, 'Iraq: A dictatorship in crisis'
had time to finish it's weekly run, a date scheduled for April 10th.
'It would be foolish to go to war without all the facts, either for
the UN or for the world's business community. In this matter I stand
with Mr Turner.' said Blix.
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Leeds, UK
Beleaguered Leeds United PLC Cahirman Peter Ridsdale has been turned
down for a low-cost no-risk loan by leading daytime TV advertisers
Ocean Finance. Sources close to Ridsdale told journalists that the
Leeds Chairman caught an installment of the company's carpet advertising
strategy a week last Thursday and made a diary note to call aftre
a meeting with city shareholders the following day. Returning from
the meeting in poor spirits Ridsdale apparently told his secretary
to hold all calls for the next five minutes, only to reappear from
his office 90 seconds later cursing and muttering 'Ocean poxy Finance'
under his breath.
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Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
Geologists working for oil giant Exxon say they have uncovered concrete
evidence of human rights abuses and weapons of mass destruction in
the state of Saudi Arabia. The country, previously not thought to
be a threat to world peace, is now likely to come under pressure to
allow UN weapons inspectors to confirm or refute the Exxon experts
findings. A spokesman for the Saudi Royal family declared that their
was absoutely no truth in the claim and that the country would welcome
UN inspectors at any stage. However independent analysts have suggested
that the country may face a similar fate to neighbouring Iraq as sources
close to Washington have become increasingly concerned with the Saudi's
aggressive stance on maintaining the integrity of their sovereign
soil.
Camp
David, US
Finally succumbing to the advice of his team of speech writers and
phonetic translators President Bush agreed to drop the phrase 'Axis
of Good' from his forthcoming speech to the UN. 'The President had
been wanting to refer to the loose alliance between the US, UK and
Spain using the phrase since last Wednesday' a Whitehouse insider
told Dialysis, 'he thought it would make an ideal counterbalance to
his well received 'Axis of Evil' speech back in 2001, but close advisers
suggested that, whilst the latter was catchy, and caught the mood
of the times, the former merely sounded like a failed penny-comic
conceit. Unfortunately this suggestion only served to strengthen the
President's resolve on the matter to the point where we were forced
to ask GB Snr. to step in and lay it on the line.' Sources close to
the President have suggested that the phrase will now be kept back
for his memoirs.
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