Cyborg Schwarzenegger materialises, attacks human Schwarzenegger at inauguration, Sacramento, US
In a twist straight out of Hollywood the inauguration of Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger to the governership of the state of California was interrupted Friday by the appearance onstage of a cyborg resembling the action-movie star. The human Schwarzenegger was beginning a series of thankyous to his wife and many female supporters when a blinding light behind and to the right of the star, accompanied by a horrendous tearing sound sent the audience scrambling for cover. As security guards moved in the governor elect manfully tried to carry on with his speech but his stilted delivery was interrupted by the cyborg's booming decalration repeated here in full, 'I have been sent back in time by Senator MacCauley Culkin, leader of the human resistance to prevent this atrocity from ever occuring. In ten years time, President Arnold Schwarzengger will be responsible for initiating armageddon via a pre-emptive strike on his mistakenly perceived nemesis President Hassan Qureshi of African superpower, Chad. He must be stopped.' The cyborg proceeded to reel off a number of shots before being wrestled to the ground and deactivated by secret service agents. Governor Schwarzenegger was unavailable for comment on his future actions at the time of going to process although 13 year old Hassan Qureshi of Fort Wayne, Indiana was said to be 'kinda excited' about his possible future involvement in world affairs, and the chance to meet Schwarzenegger.
Pyongyang to become Washington's official evil twin city, Pyongyang, N. Korea
North Korean officials in the capital Pyongyang yesterday confirmed that the city is set to become the official evil twin city to Washington DC after Baghdad relinquished the role earlier this year. The Iraqi capital had held 'evil twin city' since 1990 when it took over from Moscow, the original evil twin. The working relationship between the two cities will involve the exchange of covert operatives, dissemination of propaganda and concerted attempts to undermine cultural understanding. Pyongyang's mayor Kim Sun-Jo declared yesterday to be a 'great day for the city' telling a hastily assembled crowd, 'Washington fears and covets the power and wisdom of the North Korean people and nowhere is that power and wisdom more evident than in our glorious capital city of Pyongyang. Today's declaration that Washington is to become our evil twin city is recognition by our leaders that the conquest of Seoul no longer represents the limit of the ambition of the North Korean people.' Behind the bold words however, senior North Korean figures are relieved that Pyongyang has finally gained recognition after fearing the city would lose out to more cosmopolitan contenders like Tehran or Damascus.

Genetically modified corn savages child, Kent, UK
In an incident the Soil Association is describing as horrifying and Monsanto spokesperson Clive Ambler as 'unfortunate' a Kent child is recovering in hospital after being savaged on his father's farm by a genetically modified Corn plant. The child, who cannot be named, was walking through the field playing with the corn when a single plant, described by Monsanto as a 'rogue stalk' uprooted itself and began a 400m pursuit of the boy which ended with the child pinned to the earth being bitten and scratched. The child's father claimed that the corn had never harmed another living soul but conceded that, in all likelihood, the whole field would now have to be put down.



Jo Guest tells FHM very little of interest, London, UK
Model and TV presenter Joanne Guest told lad mag writer Harvey Steen very little of interest in an interview last Thursday the journalist informed friends. 'It was great to meet Jo and hang out,' Steen later related, 'but in terms of usable copy generated I'd say I got about 300 words, and that's just a rehash of previous Guest-isms about liking beer and football. I never thought I'd hear myself say this but Jo's cover-worthy status appears to be hanging by a thread, even the most braindead airhead these days can produce a textbite to adorn a pouty pose but Jo's just had nothing to offer.' Editor in Chief David Deeds was later forced to suggest that the feature should be adorned by a number of semi-naked shots of Miss Guest to fill the four pages slated in the previous issue. A tagline of 'Her hottest shots, her most revealing interview. EVER' was rejected asa bridge too far.

Clinical trials of male pill hampered by unreliability of control group, Doncaster, UK
The fate of the new male pill, hailed as a breakthrough by drug company Ovon Pharmaceuticals, now hangs in the balance as a sixth clinical trial failed due to the forgetfulness of the control group. Pharma industry analyst Lucien Smith told dialysis, 'Initial euphoria about this revolution in birth-control has subsided as the fears of cynical women seem to have been realised. It appears that even when being paid to do so men are incapable of remebering to take a small tablet at the same time every day for a protracted length of time.' Lead Clinical Researcher Dr. Mohan Agrawal claimed that the trial had pointed the way towards a possible change of formulation, 'We're now exploring the possibility of a massive annual injection on a key date, perhaps FA Cup-final day, or the launch date of FHM's 'High Street Honeys' issue.
 
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