Sellafield,
UK
As another harsh Cumbrian winter begins
it is time for one of the most remarkable sights in the British Isles
wildlife calendar. From the 1st Septmber onwards, as temperatures
dip, hundreds of animals whose summer habitats lie within a ten mile
radius of the Sellafield nuclear reactor will begin to fly south for
winter, in search of warmer climes and other mutated creatures to
mate with. 'The flight of thousands of ordinarily flightless creatures
is truly something to behold,' said Gilbert Rothshurst of the WWF,
'seeing badgers, foxes, frogs and all manner of smaller rodent like
creatures take wing en masse is one of nature's, or rather,
mankind's, most spectacular miracles.' 'Some of the less mutated ones
even fly so low you can see their eye blinking.' he added. |
Rome,
Italy
Vatican officials have moved to quash increasing speculation about
the Pope's religion by restating the aging pontiff's commitment
to Catholicism. Monsignor Carlo Campanati told reporters assembled
in the Vatican that the Pope himself was concerned that questioning
of his religious inclination appeared to be alomst part of daily
conversation for many in the western speaking world. Monsignor Campanati
said, The Pope remains as committed to Roman Catholicism today as
he was when he first joined the church, we feel that any questioning
of this commitment is at best misguided and, at worst, irresponsible.
The Pope's religion is a bastion of certainty in an increasingly
fractious and uncertain world, and asking the question, 'Is the
Pope catholic?' seems as ludicrously rhetorical as asking, 'Does
a bear dump in the woods?'
London, England
Slow talking septic David Blaine failed to nudge the British people
out of their post empire lethargy yesterday when he entered a perspex
box suspended above the Thames where he intends to spend the next
44 days surviving onlu on water and the oxygen of publicity and
public adoration. Looking portly enough to last twice his intended
stay the illusionist said goodbye to a smattering of friends and
Sky One employees masquerading as fans to begin his ordeal. The
crowds around the box quickly dispersed and entertainment analysts
have suggested that they will only return when Baline either (a)
dies or (b) begins to irk people enough to have them throw things
at him. 'Either way,' said Harry Fisher of media analysts Cooper,
Cooper & Cooper, 'this seems to us like, if not career suicide,
then actual suicide. Ironically only death can save Blaine now.'
Dialysis will not be keeping you up tp date with developments as
they happen.
|
Hellhe
offing from Limp Bizkit, Disturbed, Korn and the deftones
the number of teens willing to sell their souls to Satan has pushed
the price of these souls to an all time low. A spokesperson for the
great deceiver told dialysis that, whereas the glam and cock-rocking
eras generated a steady throughflow of teen souls, the explosion of
lyrical self hate and misguided angst pedalled by nu-metal has meant
teens can no longer expect a life of hard drug driven debauchery and
sexual extremism in exchange for their raison d'etre. 'To be
honest we barely have enough demons to collect on all the promised
souls so we've had to produce a short term packaged deal, there's
minor delinquency and loss of virginity guaranteed but drug wise the
glut of souls has reduced quality and quantity, it's a bit of puff
and maybe a line of baking powder with a bit of toot in it at best.
Them's the breaks kids, sorry.', Munich,
Germany
Giant German motor group BMW have concluded an historic deal with
the UK Department of Transport and secured a twenty-five year lease
allowing the companies vehicles exclusive use of the fast lanes on
motorways throughout the British Isles. A spokesperson for the Department
of Transport told Dialysis 'This is good news for motorists, and not
only BMW drivers, money from the lease will go directly to key road
building programmes and the new deal should confine BMW drivers to
the relative safety of their own lane, away from more sedate motorway
users.' Hans Gruber for BMW declared, 'This historic deal makes de
jure what we have always regarded
as a de facto reality, that the fast lane is, and should be,
the preserve of BMW drivers. For the first time, our drivers will
truthfully be able to say, 'yes, I do own the road actually, or at
least lease it.
|
