Dialysis - Taking the piss every month

Washington DC, US
President Bush has outlined to congress a plan to dramatically reduce the scale and expenditure of the USs' armed forces by invading Syria. Bush told a packed house alarmed at the proportion of the federal budget devoted to the military that the easiest and most cost-effective way of reducing number of personal and hardware would be a further campaign in the Middle East. 'We have all seen the bravery and strength of the our brave servicemen and women in campaigns in Afghanistan and Iraq over the past three years, and these campaigns have been costly, both in terms of finance and personnel. I propose a third campaign to address the growing problem of Syria and the invisible lasers and remote control cyborg soldiers we believe are in the Syrians possession. If Congress agrees we will deploy over 300,000 personnel and augment them with the bulk of our dated equipment for a lengthy and futile campaign against a guerilla enemy in hostile desert terrain. I believe that such a campaign will effectively reduce our standing forces in the region of 100,000 heroic americans. In addition the costs of decommissioning vehicles and weaponry will be alleviated by the actions of a fractured Syrian opposition in the course of the drawn out guerilla war which will accompany a painful and laborious occupation.' The plan was welcomed by business leaders and Halliburton executives, but condemned by Democratic candidate John Kerry who sought to distance himself from the Bush plan by declaring, 'Syria is not our enemy, our enemy is terror in all it's forms, particularly in the forms of Oman and Jordan.'

Carlisle, UK
After the completion of Jose Mourinho's 23-man squad for the forthcoming premiership season Chelsea Chief Executive Peter Kenyon has begun to scour football league teams to add strength in depth to the clubs fanbase. 'We are looking to acquire a number of fans from lower league teams who can provide both committed vocal support and develop a dangerously obsessive allegiance to the team, with those aims in mind we are delighted that Dave Handy has decided to join us from Carlisle United.' Handy, a 42 year old labourer has been a Carlisle fan for over 36 years, missing only three games in that time and will undergo a medical and surgery to repurpose a number of Carlisle United tattoos. Chelsea aim to add two hundred new fans to supply a genuine football ground atmosphere at Stamford Bridge.

London, UK
The new donor card, launched with great fanfare yesterday by Health Secretary John Reid, contains an option allowing users to prevent their organs going to football legend George Best. David Starkey, Chief Executive of UK Transplant, the organisation that administers the donor card scheme, told reporters the 'Best Opt-Out' was inserted in response to a groundswell of public opinion. 'Over the past five years we'd noticed a significant decline in the number of people signing up to the organ donors register, our research and a number of surveys commissioned by us suggested that the principle reason behind this decline was that the general public was getting increasingly disillusioned with the turnover of new organs given to high-profile self-abusers such as Mr Best. There is a public perception out there that George has been through in excess of five livers and people have started to feel that their organs won't be appreciated by the receivers. The opt-out clause gives us the chance to lay these fears to rest in peoples minds.' Mr Best was unavailable for comment.

Leeds, UK
Yorkshire's Local Education Authority has come up with a novel way of addressing the shortage of qualified history teachers that has affected the area by signing an agreement with Maygay, manufacturers of the popular 'Who wants to be a millionaire?' pub quiz machines. David Needy, Education Officer at Yorkshire County Council, told Dialysis, 'The LEA has had to take a decision on whether it can justify huge expenditure on substitute teachers for a subject that commands disinterest at best from the majority of pupils. The new scheme will allow the most promising historians to be taught by a real live teacher, whilst lesser talents will be supervised in a large room equipped with 30 machines. Our research has suggested that the principle use of historical knowledge for many of the students will be in the arena of pub based quiz machines and it seems logical to us to cut out the middle-man or middle-woman and provide them with the skills for their later life directly.

Manchester, UK
A survey by the Halifax has revealed that the majority of property in Manchester is now owned by current or ex-professional footballers, the findings of the survey will increases speculation that house prices are no longer an effective index of national wealth. The government has contended that house price rises in the North of England bely the perception that a pronounced North/South divide exists and that, in fact, the North is a wealthy economy in it's own right. However Donald Whitman of the University of Leeds School of Economics argues that the presence of super-wealthy footballers has created a new landed gentry with average families being priced out of the market for 3 bedroom semis by players like Manchester City's Robbie Fowler who owns much of Bury and Oldham.