Dialysis - Taking the piss every month

Porto Príncipe, Haiti
The wife of former Haitian leader Jean-Bertrand Aristide is struggling to find willing accomplices to aid her in removing $84 million of the deposed politician's money to a safe location outside the war ravaged island. Mildred Trouillot Aristide, has stayed in the capital after her husband fled to Central Africa at the end of a week of turbulent domestic unrest. Since his flight Mrs Aristide has holed up at Porto Principe's central bank where the couple's huge wealth is stored, desparately e-mailing close friends, acquaintances, and latterly, complete strangers with the offer of a share of the cash for ensuring it's safe receipt in a stable domestic bank. Aristide is offering 25% of the total amount to any person who will allow the transfer, but despite sending over 3 million e-mails and working night and day at the bank's only internet terminal, the response so far has been a blanket negative. Speaking to a BBC reporter, through an interpreter Mrs Aristide appealed to non-Haitian's from any country, "I will provide the necessary information needed in order to claim this money, But you will need to open an account where this can be transferred. If interested send your private Telephone No. And Fax number including full details of the account to be used for the Deposit I wish for utmost confidentiality in handling this transaction as my job and the future of my family would be jeopardized if it were breached." Mrs Aristide went on to say that she couldn't beleive no-one was interested in taking up this chance of a lifetime to become extremely wealthy with no personal risk attached and that any 'corporation would be appriciated.'

Utah, US
Stylists, wardrobe assistants and Directors were this evening hunkering down for a third night atop adjacent mesas in the Utah desert as neither party in the Korn / Spears standoff showed any inclination to give us on their location. The siege began two days previously when helicopters began dropping video personnel on the mesa forty miles due east of Salt Lake City, a hollered discourse followed during which it became obvious that two different acts were looking to use the breathtaking vistas and thought-provoking solitude of the huge slabs of rock to good effect in MTV friendly videos to their latest single, respectively Spears, 'I wish you knew me like I knew you' and Korn's 'Hell's Redeemer.' By the time the mix-up began clear both artists were en route and couldn't be stopped. there followed a heated exchange between all parties before supplies were ordered and the waiting began. Music industry experts are already comparing the situation to the Dire Straits / Debbie Gibson riot outside the studios of Industrial Light & Magic in 1983.

Birmingham, US
Punters throughout the US are at a loss to explain why bookmakers on betting sites throughout the English speaking world are offering evens and poorer against an announcement being made about the arrest of Osama Bin Laden sometime in October. Punter Gary Lewes, from Birmingham, Alabama told close friend Jerry Kerzinski, 'I often check out Australian or Limey sites for interesting wagers and they all seem to be gung-ho for Osama being found in October, I got real value on $20 December.' Kerzinski agreed his friend had been prudent, ' they always say it's a mugs game, and perhaps these guys do know something we don't although I can't see how, but in any case, with the election in early November, even if they found him, I can't see any reasons why the government would want to distract the nation's attentions from the key issues of economic under performance and near global isolation in foreign affairs. Americans have more to worry about, the War on Terror is bigger than Bin Laden now.'

Washington, US
President Bush has turned his attention to the US media and what he called the 'senseless glorification of needless onscreen violence that is damaging the fabric of american family life, most particularly in the horror genre.' Calling for a 'War on Horror', Bush outlined a clear message to the 'horrorists', 'The american people will no longer tolerate fictional violence, gratuitous and imaginary scenes of blood and gore and seeing their strong, young people run like cowards from half-breeds, psychopaths, aliens nor monsters. We will turn, and we will fight.' Speaking to a packed auditorium in Kansas, President Bush was joined onstage in his rallying call by Tipper Gore, wife of defeated Democratic Presidential candidate Al Gore, who praised the president's stance and called for more government intervention in the media. 'This is a war we can, and will, win.' the president declared, 'even if he have to endure horrific numbers of gore ridden casualties and interminable sequels. New York, US
Trailing their announcement with a teaser campaign declaring 'Whopperer than the Whopper' Burger King today unveiled it's new sandwich, 'The Whoppest'. Company spokesman Harris Tweed told industry publication 'Fast Food' about the launch, 'Building on the success of 'The Whopper' we are proud to announce the dictionary definition of burger supremacy in 'the Whoppest', this monolithic sandwich will contain all the finest ingredients ever to nestle amongst two gently warmed buns, including bacon, lettuce, tomato, gherkins, ranch dressing, mayonnaise, barbecue sauce, onion rings and five different kinds of cheese, but none of these flavours will distract attention from the delicious flame grilled full pound of finest quality beef,' The new burger will retail at £5.99 and could comfortably feed a family of five on calorific content. Mr Tweed went on to deny that the launch of the 'Whoppest' was a direct retaliation against the success of McDonald's 'Bigger Mac' introduced last month. Industry analysts were also skeptical, suggesting that Burger King may have been premature in their use of the superlative, handing the upper hand to McDonalds, Piers Smith of UBS Warburg said, 'McDonald's still have 'Biggest Mac' as a possible brand, BK are all literally and literarily all played out after this sandwich.'