Pet passport scheme to be adopted after successful trials in humans, London, UK
The results of an 89 year trial announced today by the passport office have paved the way for the phased introduction of passports for pets. Human passports have been in operation since 1915 when they replaced formal letters of introduction and guarantees of safe passage and, despite minor problems with fraud the passport office today declared their experimental use in humans a resounding success. Pete Smith, Director General of the Passport Office, told an audience of journalists and dog owners that passport uptake was now close to 90% in the human population and despite occasional issues with travelling humans returning to the UK with infectious diseases the office now believed it was safe to begin issuing passports to pets. The news was greeted with cheers by the pet owners in the audience who have campaigned for years to allow their animals to travel with them, a jubilant Eileen Richardson, accompanied by her red setter Barney, told reporters, 'I'd like to thank the government, the staff at the passport office and all the millions of British people, members of my own family included, who have been involved in the rigorous trials that have made today's announcement possible. I'm looking forward to taking barney with me on my next trip to Borneo and seeing him roaming free across the jungles and beaches.' Customs Officials and Police greeted the news with caution, representatives from both organisations have been closely involved in the trials amidst fears that pets could become unwitting couriers for drugs, Det. Insp. Brian Wilson cautiously welcomed the news saying, 'Trials in humans have established the feasibility of passports for pets, our only concern now is the possibility of pet on pet violence as hundreds queue to be issued with their new passports.'

Local man inspired to 'Seize the Day' fifteen years after seeing Dead Poet's Society, Wolverhampton, UK
Local man Matt Naylor has finally seized the day by asking the girl he has fancied since 1989 out on a date. Naylor told school mate Dave Robson that he'd been keen on Wendy Smith since the two had shared a workbench in third year double biology. During that period Naylor's parent's took the eleven year old to see the Robin Williams tear-jerker in a bid to inculcate a love of the inspiring power of poetry in the child. However Keats, Shelley and Byron have remained a mystery to the 25 year old plumber but the motto of the film, 'Carpe Diem', or 'Seize the Day' has inspired Naylor to nearly ask Smith out hundreds of times over the past decade plus. Naylor went on to tell Robson that Smith has promised him an answer, 'within the week', and if she agrees he plans to put Mickey Rourke's ice/candle routine from 9½ Weeks into practice within a month.

Leeds hooligans celebrate relegation to Cardiff's division, Leeds, UK
Amidst the despair and despondency surrounding the defeat that condemned Leeds United to Championship football next year a small pocket of fans in the main stand celebrated relegation with riotous enthusiasm. Leeds 'Service Crew' are relishing the removal of the Premiership spotlight surrounding their team and preparing for home and away fixtures against opponents they regard as some of the finest in the English leagues. 'There's no doubt about it, a fixture list including Stoke City, Cardiff City, West Ham United and Millwall, home and away, is a hoolie's dream,' said deputy leader of the service crew Ray, Handy, 42. 'We've waited a long time to get this relegation and now it's here and we're all determined to enjoy Championship football next season. The Premiership is great to watch, but who have you got? Fulham? Norwich? Crystal Palace Middlesborough? Blackburn? Some of these clubs can't raise a crowd, let alone a firm.' Whilst the Service Crew were celebrating Police from West Yorkshire and Met were already discussing rearranging the kick-off of Leeds v Millwall for 7:30am on a Tuesday.