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 Rome,
Italy
Vatican bible scholars have confirmed that George Bush's victory
in the US election has brought the current state of world affairs
largely inline with the prophesies contained in the Book of
Revelation and a consensus view is emerging that the world
is embarking specifically on the twelfth chapter of the book.
However biblical scholars the world over are divided as to
what the President represents, either the saviour of mankind
or the manifestation of the beast. "US scholars remain
committed to a vision of George W Bush as the instrument/voice
of God
on earth, a sort of Action-Pope if you will. However outside
of the US the picture is very different with scholars across
Latin America, Europe and Africa all pointing to frightening
parallels between the President's policies, free to be lived
out in all their unrestrained glory now that a second term
is secure, and the events detailed from Revelation Chp 14 onwards.
Pastor Michael Jiminez of the Victory Church in Sao Paolo Brazil
condemned the President declaring, "These are the end days,
and Bush will be the harbinger of the end, for it is written,
'Yea he will wreak vengeance upon the lands of Eden through
an ill-thought out plan to complete the works of his father,
and verily will he seek to avengeth the smiting of his countrymen
through making an improbably connection between the smiter
and another powerful king from the region. And these things
will he do not in the name of peace, nor in the name of justice,
but in the name of oil and wealth, and he will not touch the
Kings from the east who doeth wrong by their people, nor the
kings from Africa who doeth wrong by their people, for their
is little oil in North Korea and Zimbabwe.'" as he read from
an unauthorised translation of the Portuguese bible.
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Manchester, UK
Campaigners for mental health charities have praised
the grow the in use of hands free kits in cars and on the street
with a surge in acceptance and perception of the mentally ill.
The advent of Bluetooth technologies, particularly when employed
by phone users with shoulder length hair has blurred the lines
between those who are having a phone conversation and those talking
to themselves. David Swann, Director of the charity 'Voices'
told assorted press members, 'although the advent of mobile
phones has had no direct effect on the mentally ill much of the
problems we experience with patients are about perceptions, these
people deserve to be treated as normal human beings but until
hands-free became ubiquitous they were shunned and avoided. Now
the average member of the public doesn't have the information
to safely condemn a stranger apparently talking to themselves
on the street because there is a very real chance they'll be
on hands free. Our research suggests this brief moment of acceptance
translates to an emotional fillip for the mentally ill person
and can be instrumental in increasingly their sense of self-worth.'
Swann does accept that there is still a long way to go however,
'Of course buses are still a problem' he added.
, London, UK
The row over a cycling safety campaign
directed at children from ethnic minorities has threatened
to spill over into the
courts after a local council refused to apologies to asian
and afro-caribbean parents in a London school. Black and Asian
pupils at St Philip Neri school in Newham have been given free
luminous clothing by governors concerned at the number of pupils
being struck by cars in the darker winter evenings. Headmistress
Angela Banks told reporters, 'We are a busy school in a built
up area and for a number of years we have had problems with
our students being involved in many minor and two major road
traffic incidents where they have been hurt. We looked at the
statistics and a disproportionate number of those involved
were from non-white families, anecdotal evidence from drivers
involved also suggested that they sometimes find it difficult
to see our ethnic minority pupils. As a result the governors
took the decision to provide for those pupils who may be more
difficult to see in the dark in order to fulfil our pastoral
role for their safety. We genuinely fail to see what all the
fuss is about.' But Patrick Bamwayo, a parent of two children
at the school and leader of the protest claims that the school's
action reinforces difference based on skin color and has called
for all children to be issued with the clothing. 'This action
displays a complete lack of sensitivity on the part of the
school. They may as well have told all the Asian and Afro-caribbean
children to wear big smiles when they are in the dark so people
can see where they are from their shiny white teeth.'
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7th circle, Hell
Basking in the success of his subtle
interventions in the US election Satan was relaxing last Thursday
and re-assessing his top five greatest tricks to accommodate
the 2004 results. The Prince of Darkness told a close demon aide,
'Convincing the world that I didn't exist is still one of the
all time greats but to get a man re-elected off the back of one
of the most unsuccessful terms in US history is going to take
some beating. He's destroyed the economy, engaged the military
in two unsuccessful wars, failed to stem the tide of international
terrorism, failed to ratify the Kyoto agreement thus screwing
the environment and taken more time off than any president before
him. But a few judicious words in the right ears and he's back
in on the basis of a massive turn-out by fundamentalist Christians.
I rule.' Satan went on to suggest that if things continued to
go well with the manipulation of US politics he may even take
Armageddon off secure in the knowledge that President Schwarzenegger
can handle the end of days.
Saffron Walden,
UK
Taking a strong line in the light of
increasing evidence that Britain is headed for a pension's crisis,
Michael Howard, the
leader of the Conservative party, yesterday announced proposals
for a wide-ranging cull of the elderly and infirm. Speaking at
a rally in Saffron Walden the former Home Secretary said, 'Pensions
will dominate the finance of this country for the next two decades
and it is vital that we take strong action, means tested euthanasia
will allow us to hold on to the economically viable elderly whilst
at the same time providing an incentive to those coming to the
end of their careers for whom saving has been at the periphery
of their thoughts.' A wide ranging cull would also have valuable
cost benefits for the NHS and company's with large pension funds,
however not all captain's of industry greeted Howard's proposal
with enthusiasm, with Kevin Howe of MG Rover suggesting that
such a cull could have a profound affect on the company's bottom
line.
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