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 London,
UK
Chancellor of the Exchequer and Prime Minister in waiting Gordon
Brown spent much of last weekend wistfully reshuffling his
bathroom cabinet according to sources inside 11 Downing Street.
The Chancellor moved a number of newer products on to the front
shelves and decided to combine the roles of shampoo and conditioner
into a new shampoo / conditioner position, creating space in
the cabinet for a new emphasis on Grecian 2000 and mouthwash.
Healthcare continues to dominate the cabinet with a number
of rolls and tubes moving on to the front shelves and prominence
for dental health issues, but there was ad news for Kleenex
which found itself at the back of an upper shelf as the Chancellor
sought to get more effective use from a packet of cotton wool
swabs which he felt had been under-utilised since joining the
cabinet in April of last year. The influence of the Chancellor's
wife, Sarah was clear in the
reshuffle,
with good news for make-up with lip-gloss and moisturiser both
given more prominent positions.
On shutting the cabinet door Brown addressed
the mirror pronouncing himself pleased with the reshuffle which,
'though
not drastic,
has ensured that this cabinet can achieve it's aims during
the term with a blend of young dynamic products and experienced
all rounders capable of working together with new items to
further enhance the public image
of the Cabinet.
The shadow cabinet had no comment on the reshuffle, but commentators
have been quick to accuse the Chancellor of mere cosmetic changes
which give prominence to gloss and bury the real tissues.
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Inner
mantle, Earth
Scientists reporting to the US Geological
Society say that the coffin of George Washington is now approaching
the inner
core of the earth after nearly four years of downward motion.
The former president who died on December 14th, 1799 had shown
no previous movement in more than 200 years but employees at
Mount Vernon Cemetery, Fairfax County, Virginia noticed slight
movement in the ground around the Washington sepulchre in late
2000. Seismic experts were called in and eventually the grave
was opened in late 2002 to reveal a bore hole leading downwards
at an angle of around 30 degrees. It was decided to continue
monitoring the progress of the coffin rather than attempt retrieval
and in the subsequent two years scientists using sonar equipment
have checked on the coffin on a bi-monthly basis. Leader of
the monitoring team Dr Hans Cooper reported that the coffins
trace is now becoming less discernible as it approaches the
earth's inner core and that the team expected the coffin and
the body of the exemplary President to immolate in the bowels
of the planet before the next scheduled check.
Sacramento, US
Documents
leaked to dialysis have revealed that California governer Arnold Schwarzenegger
has investigated the possibility of raising a private army
to annexe Austria to the US. Though plans appear to be at a
preliminary stage the governor has reportedly dismissed the
possibility of a solo mission by a highly trained operative
to conquer the country single-handed as 'outlandish and unrealistic'.
California boasts the fifth largest economy in the world and
the governor would be likely to have sufficient resources available
to mount an airborne invasion and take Austria in a lightning
strike. However a number of problems surround the venture,
including the reaction of other European nations. Schwarzenegger
is believed to be confident in the acquiescence of the British
government but fears other European nations opposing the annexation.
Austria is the country of Schwarzenegger's birth, precluding
him from running for the post of President, and teams of lawyers
attempting to find a loophole in the legislation first floated
the plan in April this year, since then Schwarzenegger has
been working hard from his office in Sacramento and a secret
base
in the Nevada desert to strengthen his hand for a possible
lightning strike.
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Des Moines, US
'Suicide is Painless' the theme tune to popular
seventies sitcom M*A*S*H has been cited as instrumental in the
death of teenager Robert
Schmidt a court in Des Moines, Iowa, heard today. Composer Johnny
Mandel and lyricist Mike Altman (son of director
Robert) are scheduled to appear in the court when the trial resumes
next week along
with fellow plaintiff CBS. Schmidt committed suicide in his room
in January of this year and the private case has been brought
by his estranged parents Barry and Heidi. They claim that the
lyrics of the song tap into teen angst and encourage the impressionable
to take dramatic action, they also accuse CBS of over-enforcing
the message by repeating the series on a regular basis. The trial
is a watershed for the music industry as it is the first time
a non-heavy metal song stands accused in this way. Industry insiders
are fearful of the possible effects of a decision against
Mandel/Altman/CBS with many labels already preparing for court
cases and dumping acts like Radiohead, Morrissey and REM.
San Jose, US
San Jose property developer Adam Hussein, 47, has
confided to friends his desperation to see the trial of namesake
Saddam brought to a conclusion as soon as possible. Close friend
Charles Pierce said, 'Adam has lived with having a name similar
to the former President of Iraq since 1979 when Saddam first
came to power but it wasn't until the first Gulf War that it really became
a yoke around his neck. At the time it was a bit of a laugh and
we assumed he'd all be deposed and it'd blow over. But George
Bush Snr.'s decision not to take Baghdad has meant over a decade
of misery for Adam. He's been refused credit cards, missed out
on dates had cheques bounced, been accused of ruining petitions,
it seems every time he gets asked for his name it turns into
this big deal. He's not voted Republican since.' Adam himself
refused to discuss Pierce's revelations and his namesake
was unavailable for comment.
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