Dialysis - Taking the piss every month

New York, US
Bucking the trend for green and ethical funds, Langdon Investments new 'Black fund' has produced returns of over 35% in it's first year and looks set to continue soaring. Langdon Investment analyst Buck Stein told Dialysis, 'interest in the fund has been tentative and secretive but when investors have climbed in they have piled in big time.' The fund invests in the type of industries and companies diametrically opposed to those of ethical funds including porn, cigarettes, armaments, alcohol and nuclear power, and has provided a valuable shot in the arm for smaller players in those industries. Trent Keeble, head of Fetish Video, a small porn film producer based in San Jose California said, 'Money has been increasingly hard to come by from the bigger investment firms to enable smaller companies like us to expand with trends towards ethical investment leading start-up porn players to look in the shark infested waters of angel investors who always want a piece of the action, often quite literally. The new black fund has provided us with the capital to attract bustier and better endowed stars, film at more exotic locations and advertise aggressively online, I'm proud to say that nearly every email address in the western world has had some Fetish spam in the last three months, and that's only been possible with the help of Langdon's investments.' Similar stories abound with everyone from mom and pop cigarette manufacturers to niche armaments makers eulogising the new source of capital. No individual black fund investors were available for comment.

Proliferation of meaningless Olympic events pushes gold prices to new high, Athens, Greece
The IOC's decision to include a host of new and largely unwatched and unappreciated events in the 2004 Athens Olympics has pushed the price of gold on the international exchanges to a new high. Over 8000 gold medals were minted for this games, twice the amount as at the last Olympiad in order to reward participants in a string of disciplines largely ignored by crowds and broadcasters outside of the victors home country. Hayden Bois, analyst at UBS Warburgs told dialysis, 'the run on gold began marginally before the Olympics but no-one made the connection until mid-way through the games when it became obvious that events of almost comic superfluity were being participated in and rewarded.' The price of silver has remained relatively stable but analysts believe the games has been responsible for making up the shortfall in silver usage with the decline in developing photographs. Bronze prices were unaffected as Olympic bronze medals have traditionally been spray-painted tin.

Ugliness of protesters convinces millions to vote Republican, New York, US
Republican party campaign organisers are reported to be delighted with the success of the party's New York conference where a brilliant double-bluff appears to have won over much of the wavering middle american vote. Concern rose amongst party leaders that the largely Democratic New York populace would rail against the Republicans and unite with the multitude of pressure groups hell-bent on wrecking the conference, but the resulting footage of protesters from across the spectrum, pro-life, gun control, anti-capitalist and others has solidified support for the President across highly conservative middle america. Hank Watson of Boise Idaho spoke for many when he told dialysis reporters, 'I admit I was wavering, President Bush's economic policy has cost the country billions, the situation in Afghanistan and Iraq appears to be worsening as far as I can see and our reputation in the wider world is at an all-time low. But when I saw those awful people shouting and yelling, all dressed up like trees or faggots I knew where my vote was going. Anyone who pisses off that amount unamerican scum must be doing something right.'

Penn, US
The population of Najaf, Pennsylvania are settling back into comfortable ignorance after a rumour spread through the town of armed muslim militia's taking and executing hostages while proclaiming death to all American's. The rumour started when a conversation between Najaf teen Tobey Westermore and his friend in New York Cary Fowell was overheard by Westermore's mother, Claudine. 'I was listening in on Tobey's conversation because I don't trust that Cary one bit but I must have just missed the start because when Cary asked Tobey if he'd seen the news coverage of what was going on in Najaf, all the gunfire and looting. I was terrified. I got straight on our other line, thank heaven for Sprint, and telephoned Pastor Smith and I think the situation snowballed from there.' The rumours spread like wildfire and before long a posse was assembled in the leafy suburb of Wada intent on reclaiming the town centre from the militia. The posse was only dispersed after Najaf Senior High School teacher Mary Carter intercepted the posse as it passed the school and explained the misunderstanding. Tension remains high in the two with many residents sharing the view of local mechanic Bill Bixley, 'you don't realise how dangerous these terrorist can be and what their reach is until something like this happens. I sure as hell won't be voting democrat now, it's not worth the risk.'

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
Political activists in Saudi Arabia have lambasted TV station Al Jazeera for failing to provide erudite and considered commentary on a host of pronouncements by fundamentalists and terrorists. 'Al Jazeera was a breath of fresh air on the arab news scene when it first came to the attention of a global audience back in 2001 but since then the quality of their coverage has declined no end,' said Mohammed Khan, Professor of Media Studies at Riyadh University, 'it's another classic case of the money men at a station looking to cash in on success and trampling over the traditions that have enabled the station to reach the audience it deserves.' Professor Khan went on to criticise a lack of confrontational journalism, investigative reporting and balanced news delivery. When pressed he conceded that it was possible that Al Jazeera journalists were nervous about cross-examining heavily armed and spiritually driven martyrs in waiting.