 Barcelona,
Spain
ETA leaders today approved the launch of sister organisation
ETC to campaign for minor basque issues. Dubbed ETA-lite the
new organisation is seen by ETA leaders as a way to keep the
basque agenda at the forefront of Spanish and European politics
without the distasteful connotations of international terrorism.
The new organisations demands include: all references to Barcelona
FC to be preceded by the phrase 'Catalan Champions', the compulsory
renaming of lingerie items associated with the basque people and Catalan to be offered as an additional language in all Spanish Language schools. ETA has come in for sustained criticism for it's refusal to distance itself from terrorist acts designed to secure independence from Spain. The organisation has yet to deny a single act carried out in it's name, a policy that has proven successful for it's peers in Ireland and Japan. ETA spokesperson, Javier Ronaldhino Peron declared that ETC would, 'Help rather than hinder moves towards an independent homeland for the Catalan people by demonstrating that the organisation has an agenda that encompasses more that simply killing the hated Spanish oppressor.'
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Oxford,
UK
Representatives of two of the major forces
in the commercial charity sector announced today their intention
to combine to form a new force in charitable retailing. The
new organisation, provisionally named Ofcan aims to change the face of charitable
retailing and drive profit margins higher off the back of substantial economies
of sale. Retail analyst Brendan Wainwright of Warburgs USB sees a positive future
for the new division. 'Effectively the charitable retailing sector
has been a sleeping giant for many years and this merger may be the spark
it requires to begin a major customer acquisition campaign. The
sector has everything going for it, goods are sourced for sale
at minimal cost, staffing is provided on a largely voluntary
basis and for the customer the drivers for repeat visits are
numerous, prices are lower and the transient nature of the lines
carried provides the stimulus to keep coming back again and again. We have
a population in thrall to the thrift and bargain hunting ethos
of ebay and Ofcan could be the High Street answer.' Wainwright
conceded that there would be considerable overlap in stocks of
Mario Puzo 'Godfather' novel and also works by David Niven, Kate Atkinson and
Kate O'Riordan but claimed that these 'would not stand in the
way of growth.'
Washington,
US
The Bush government has announced plans to delegate the teaching of History at the Junior High School level to local divisions of Blockbuster. Speaking to the AJHST (the Association of Junior High School Teachers) annual general meeting Education Secretary
Rod Paige
hailed the move as being in tune with the choices of young people. Paige declared, 'Hollywood and other film centres have mined a rich vein of historical events for the entertainment of the world and we feel there is now sufficient top quality blockbuster history out there to leverage in the teaching of a subject that is essential to an understanding of our country. Films like 'Braveheart', 'U571' and 'The Patriot' give a balanced view of the position and actions of the US and it's citizens in great events in the world's history and will enable our young people to get to grips with the tremendous contribution our great nation has made to global peace and posterity, particularly at a time when American values are being challenged by seditious movements worldwide.' Critics have, however, slammed the move, which will see Blockbuster staff on hand to select and play videos in Junior High Schools nationwide, as condemning the nation's university graduates in history to a lifetime of low paid administrative work.
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, London,
UK
A spokesman for leading drinks manufacturer Bacardi attempted to paint
a significant dip in profits in a positive light at an analysts
briefing last weekend. Government legislation, in the form of a requirement
to append the words, 'Please enjoy Bacardi Breezers in moderation'
on all advertising appears to have had a profound effect on bottom line
sales with units shifted dipping my over 90%. Nevertheless Dan Botha declared
that the Bacardi company were 'delighted' with the results, 'Breezer's have had
a profound impact on the market over the past five years offering young women
the opportunity to enjoy a sophisticated bottled alcoholic drink without the
need to develop a taste for wine or beers. A correction of our meteoric growth
was inevitable.'
Basle,
Switz
Bangkok Hilton, the publicity-shy sister of it-girl and amateur porn
star Paris Hilton has undergone a sex change operation at
a Basle clinic according to reports in today's Swiss press. The Hilton
family have refused to comment on the stories but it is understood that
the 33 year old heiress entered an exclusive alpine clinic late last
Wednesday to complete the physical alterations required following
a nine-month course of hormonal therapy. Little is known
about the eldest Hilton daughter but she is a far cry from
her celebrity flirting twin-sister's preferring the company of a close
coterie of friends. It is rumoured that Bangkok Hilton has been in therapy
for much of her adult life.
Manchester,
UK
Leading sports and leisure-wear retailer JJB Sports yesterday
unveiled it's new collection, dubbed bunking-off-school-uniform.
The products in the range feature identical colours and fits but come
in a range of brands including Rockport, Pod, Adidas, Nike
and at the top of the market Burberry and Von Dutch. The
boys uniform comprises white-nylon baggy tracksuit bottoms and a pale
blue polo shirt with a choice of pale blue or white hooded
top and navy blue cap, the girl's uniform is identical. The
company heralded the functionality of the uniform claiming
that the trousers were ideal for leaning against walls in
all weathers and that the peak of the cap had been altered
to make lighting cigarettes in the rain easier than ever.
JJB is looking to capitalize on the growing market for out-of-school
uniforms as the emancipation of authority within schools
continues and liberal ideals encourage students to express their
individuality by not turning up.
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