Dialysis - Taking the piss every month

Rome, It
The accession of Pope Benedict XVI is already producing changes at the head of the catholic church with the new pontiff immediately repealing the ancient law demanding that Saints have to be both dead and proven of miraculous feats. The rescinding of the law has paved the way for Benedict to begin cannonising the living and caused huge ructions amidst the church. Miracles are still required but the definition has been broadened to allow feats of remarkable human endeavour to be classed as holy work. Amongst the first to be canonised were Oprah Winfrey and Jamie Oliver. St Oprah was inaugurated on the grounds of persuading millions of americans to read books, Oliver for his work in convincing children to eat healthier foods. The move, and the starling choices for the first two saints is being seen as an attempt by the Roman Catholic church to woo back the peoples of jaded western cultures such as the US and UK to the religion by giving it a more contemporary edge. It is believed that saints will follow from France, Germany, Sweden and several from Italy. Commentators have obserced that the move could prompt a deluge of good works by the great and the good as canonisation becomes the honour all aspire too, however whilst this may have huge short term positives many roamn catholics fear that the system could be open to abuse and that the church could descend down the dangerous roads of the middle ages where pardons were sold for cash and the catholicism denounced as out of touch. Oliver's canonisation will be held in his absence next week, a full fortnight after Winfrey's prompting speculation that the Vatican had delayed the ceremony to ensure that the Naked Chef definitely wasn't gay.

Mumbai, India
Responding to a deluge of complaints from customers in the UK the major banks have embarked on extensive training schemes to modulate the english of indian call centre staff into reassuring regional accents. Trainers have already left from former call centre communities in and around Liverpool, Newcastle and Manchester to begin the lessons which will take in slang, voice modulation, names and local gossip. In addition local ITV regional television will be beamed directly into canteens and rest areas in massive new purpose built call centres in Mumbai and Delhi. It is hoped that the training will create the seamless interaction between UK customers and call centre staff on the other side of the world that was promised to the banks when they elected to move thousands of jobs out of the UK tot he subcontinent. Although Geordie will be the predominant language spoken bank officials have promised that other accents, excluding brummie, will be blended into the mix at a later date.

Las Vegas, US